Transitions

I found this draft on this blog I have 10 years ago; I never published. I thought, it is not well written, but I should go ahead and post it. I was in transition at the time and I'm still in transition even though I have been living in the same place for the last 9 years. Currently I getting myself ready to make the transition into my own place; a home I can call mine and create my own space in this world that reflects my astethic. Transitions are apart of life, they often feel like struggles, but they are part of life. Learning to do and cope with them is not just a thing for preschoolers or students to learn, but for adults too. Coping with change is a life lesson. Learning to develop the skills is important so you have the tools you need to pivot with whatever you are facing. Written 06/19/2011 in Mahattan, NY. I have finished my graduate studies and now I am in a transition stage of my life. I have to find a job so I can pay for those student loans. I am also in a new area, where the job market is not so hot. I also only plan on staying in this area for one year. I'm a little nervous and find my self eating more than I should and not exercising as much, which I know is a recipe for disaster. Going back to transitions, the most important part of a day in a classroom is the transitions. If you can transition smoothly from lesson to work and from classroom to lunch, recess, library, home, etc. you will have a successful day. If the transitions don't go well the day will be a disaster. It is all part of managing and maintain order of a classroom. The key is if you can do transitions well giving a clear message of what you expect your students to do and how to do it there will be success. Life is like that. I do well when I know what the plan is and where I am going. I am happy and confident with my choices. If I have feelings of uncertainty or like in my case, no job, I feel panic and distress. I find myself trying to find some way to cope and it is not always the best way, if I don't have the transition worked out I am miserable and frustrated. That is what I am feeling now. It is always hard when you don't know what the future has in store for you.

I'm Back!

Hello everyone.! I don’t know if anyone is still following me because it has been a long while since I last wrote; a whole year! I have not just fallen off the face of the earth, but if you read my last post you might think I expired. Well I have not. I am still here and kicking. It has been an amazing year! If you are wondering, No, I have not met the man of my dreams and I am still unemployed, but I have had a rich year full of love and support. I really am overwhelmed with the amount of love I have been shown. People I did not know sent me money; family stepped in and covered (still covering) my bills. Amazing organizations provided services that helped me through treatment and supplied emotional support. My sister and her family showered me with love everyday and gave me a place to live. Friends took me to doctors appointments wrote down things I was not capable of remembering and asked questions I did not think of. I had friends and family take time to visit me and I can say I truly feel love and loved. My goal for 2013 is to pay it forward.

Game Changer

A game changer is an event or decision that takes your life in a new direction and you will never be the same again. I have made decisions over the last 4 years that have been game changers. When I decided to quit my job at McKesson and leave Utah was a big game change. When I decided to move in with Terri to help her with childcare, that was another huge game changer. The news I received on November 23, 2011 was another big game changer. I have breast cancer.

R.A.W. (Ripped And Wounded)

Do you ever think you are okay with something that has scarred you in the past and you rarely think about anymore? Then someone asks you a question, and in your inability to lie or lie well you tell them about the incident. As you begin to speak you feel fine, but you know this is going to hurt, but you can’t stop yourself. In your mind you say, “I am 38-years-old I can handle this,” You think this, because the incident happened when I was thirteen. “I can handle it.”

As you speak you can feel this facade that is your face rip, then begin to crumble, revealing the wounded 13-year-old that did not want to be the freak. She hated being different and she drowned in self-pity. You are not that person anymore, but with sharing the experience you feel the emotions bubble to the surface, and you think, “I am an idiot for opening this emotional wound. Why did I share?”

“Why did I share?”

I know they saw the pain I was feeling in my chest; the inability to breathe, as my lungs collapse on themselves. I feel like I am crushing from the inside like an aluminum can. The confidence I had work so hard to gain is gone in a second. When I leave, feeling awkward, wondering, “Why did I share that?” and “What do they think of me now?” I tell myself, “It’s a superficial scar, get over it!” The problem is this particular scar has wounded me so deeply, that I feel my soul ripping apart from the inside as I speak. I feel like I’m bleeding from wounds that cannot be seen. I bleed drops of blood that echo: Freak! Ugly! Maimed! Ridiculous! While in my mind people from my past gather round me to laugh and gawk like I’m a freak show.

“I’m not 13-years-old anymore! I’m not 13-years-old anymore!”

I know that I am unique and I’m beautiful, but tell that to the memories. The memories cut deep and cause me to feel raw.

Rice Krispies for Breakfast

This morning at breakfast I poured the milk in Maddie's Rice Krispies. I had her hold the bowl up to her ear.

I asked her what she heard.

Her reply, "It's burning."

Thanksgiving

Today I wanted to take the time to mention all the things I am grateful for.

I am grateful that I have the chance to be here with my sister and her family. I am grateful for such wonderful nieces and that I get to be apart of their lives.

I am grateful for the chance to go to school and that I only have one more semester. I can't believe that I am almost finished. The time has gone by so quickly.

I am grateful for my health.

I am grateful for the friends I have. I have some amazing friends!

I am grateful for being here on the east coast and all of the opportunities that it has given me. I am trying new things and expanding my skills in ways I never dreamed.

I am grateful for my family. I don't get to see them very often, but I love and appreciate them.

I am grateful to be alive and I can say that I am really enjoying my life right now. I am looking forward to the daily adventures I experience on the streets of New York and I am looking forward to the future whatever it may hold.

Thank you to everyone who has been apart of it.

Green

"I feel like I can relate to the Wicked Witch of the West, from Wicked. Misunderstood, as a single woman in the LDS culture. It is a little like being green. I have felt people wonder what is wrong with me. What “evil” I might have done to end up single? I have often felt "wicked" because of my choices. I have chosen to do other things over being a wife and mother. This is because I feel like that there hasn't and may never be a man to come a long that I can give my heart to. Misunderstood by men as being independent, unapproachable, a bit cold and chilly. I have been told that I play impossible to get, instead of hard to get. Will I be misunderstood my whole life? I am excited about the dreams I have despite the fact that I lack a man in my life. I have dreams, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want a man in my life either.

I dream like most girls growing up and finding that one person who will be my friend, my equal, my comforter, and lover. I might never know him, so I live out my dreams in hope that he will step into my life someday. I wonder if I will ever step out of this green skin? If not, I will go on being misunderstood and green. In the eyes of others not quite a whole person, not quite knowledgeable of life, not quite schooled, someone without the education that comes from having a husband and family. Someone who just doesn’t get it. Someone who still isn’t respected as much as those who are married and have children."

I wrote this before I left Utah in 2008. I still often feel the same when I am around people from the LDS culture, but I was in a different place when I was leaving Utah than I am now. At that time I was very unhappy with my life and felt that I needed to get away from it all. I was unsure of the direction I wanted my life to go and I was so unsatisfied with the direction my life had been going. I have finally come full circle and I am happy with the direction of my life and what I am doing. I feel stronger and more independent. I am ready to let someone into my life, where in 2008, I only could shut people out. I am moving from my apartment right now and while I was packing I found this in my stuff and I thought I would share it. It might be crazy, but it was how I was feeling at the time.