This is an expert from my new journal I'm beginning to keep. I am hoping to move forward this year and no longer slide down the slippery slope I have found myself on the last few years. I'm resolved to make the rest of 2009 and 2010 a time of progress and healing. I need to heal my heart. Please pray for me.
"October 2, 2009
Where I have been the last couple of years is a place that I thought I never would end up at. I have developed a hard heart, something I told myself I would never have. I witnessed a hard heart in my grandmother and made myself a promise years ago that I would not end up like her. I have not become my grandmother in many aspects, but I have nurtured a hard heart the last few years. I have been trying to figure out this last year while living with my sister Terri why or how I came to this place. Teaching the young women in the New City ward helped me find those answers and watching general conference this weekend confirmed what I had found out for myself.
I stopped praying morning and night before I left Utah in 2008. I no longer asked Heavenly Father for comfort or guidance. I felt that I didn’t needed or I guess more correctly I no longer wanted to include the Lord in my life. I stopped reading the scriptures. I felt that my life was becoming unbalanced and I felt guilt if I read anything other than the scriptures, so I stopped reading the scriptures. It doesn’t make since, but that is what I did. I stopped writing in my journal. I have no idea where my journal is, but I thought that I would start keeping an electronic journal now. I haven’t been to a temple session since I was in Utah and now my recommend is expired. It has been over a year since I have gone. That is the longest that I have let myself be away from the House of the Lord.
I wanted to stop believing because I felt that believing was making me unhappy. I felt that no matter how hard I worked in my callings and no matter how good I tried to be that I was still falling short of what I was suppose to do. I guess that all of my experiences with LDS men fell short of what my expectations were of having a loving and lasting relationship. I found that men who were not LDS treated me better. I didn’t understand why LDS men didn’t see my worth. I became frustrated with the lack of options. I felt misunderstood by my married friends. I found myself unhappy and decided to move away from what I perceived as the cause of my unhappiness. So here I am today, in a state of depression that I have never known and I am out of shape looking for a way to rekindle the flame I felt in my life, and the desire to live again.
Did I need to go through this trial? I don’t know, but I’m here and I want to feel good again. I want to feel a live again. I want to feel my heart again. I want to feel whole again.
Prayer: Beginning to pray again!"
7 comments:
I am looking forward to this year for you. One of my favorite Eckhart Tolle quotes is "Die to the past every moment." I love it because it reminds me that who I was is not who I can choose to be, or who I am. What's past is past and you can make something new right now. I love you and have always thought you are wonderful!
I love that Najah! Thank you! Love you too!
Tiff, you really are a great woman; I've always thought so and no other memory is in my mind except for that fact.
I am right in line with your other blogger friends. You are a wonderful woman and always have been. And one of the strongest in your faith in the Lord that I have ever known. I can't and won't believe otherwise. I love you and miss you. Always, Janet
Janet, I miss you too! Thank you for your words of encouragement. Love you!
Tiffers! I have and will always feel like I am just a step behind trying to measure up to the amazing women and friend that you are! You are forever an example to me of what I would like to be - always trying to live life to the fullest and hold fast to the people whom color your life with the shades and hues you cherish. Thank you for being a part of my life - I am blessed by simply being able to call you my friend! We are always here ... no mater the time that passes, do not ever forget that! Smiles and Love Always! I miss you!!!
P.S. I will be cheering you on through my prayers!
Mindy, I love you too! Thank you for your kind words. You are wonderful!
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