Halloween Extravaganza and Procession of the Ghouls

Tonight I had the opportunity to go to The Cathedral Church of Saint John the Divine in Manhattan. Let me just start off by saying the church, I mean cathedral is HUGE! I had a great time. First thing when you walk into the cathedral there is this ghoul playing a cello or is that a base, anyway it is at the entrance of the hall. When you turn around and look at the rose stain glass window there was a large skeleton head covering it. The cathedral was filled with fog and there were green lights through out the hall. We found our seats about in the middle of the cathedral and on the isle, which was a suggestion of a friend who went to the earlier showing that day.

The lights go down and the very famous organ piece, dah, nah, nah, dah, nah, nah, nah. The movie begins. It is the silent film Nosferatu from 1922. My friend Barbara was not able to read the words on the screen from where we are so I read them to her. It was awesome to have live organ music by Timothy Brumfield. I don't know who that is, but he was awesome! I think we laughed more than anything at the film. It was a lot of fun.

When the film was over the procession of the Ghouls began. The Ghouls came out from the front of the cathedral and walked down the middle isle. The organ played and the fog came back on. The costumes were fabulous! While the procession was going down the isle, a large skeleton came down just above where I was sitting and was swinging back and forth. The skeleton head in the back bounced up and down and a man dressed as a beetle was slowly repelling down one of the giant pillars so it looked like a beetle walking down the pillar. It was really cool. One of the Ghouls stopped and scratched it's long claws on my hat.

It was a wonderful way to spend a Halloween weekend. If you ever make it to New York for Halloween, I highly recommend this. They rotate the films every year between three different films. I'm looking forward to next year. It looks like next year is The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (1922).

Reflections and Realizations’ of a Hard Heart

This is an expert from my new journal I'm beginning to keep. I am hoping to move forward this year and no longer slide down the slippery slope I have found myself on the last few years. I'm resolved to make the rest of 2009 and 2010 a time of progress and healing. I need to heal my heart. Please pray for me.

"October 2, 2009

Where I have been the last couple of years is a place that I thought I never would end up at. I have developed a hard heart, something I told myself I would never have. I witnessed a hard heart in my grandmother and made myself a promise years ago that I would not end up like her. I have not become my grandmother in many aspects, but I have nurtured a hard heart the last few years. I have been trying to figure out this last year while living with my sister Terri why or how I came to this place. Teaching the young women in the New City ward helped me find those answers and watching general conference this weekend confirmed what I had found out for myself.

I stopped praying morning and night before I left Utah in 2008. I no longer asked Heavenly Father for comfort or guidance. I felt that I didn’t needed or I guess more correctly I no longer wanted to include the Lord in my life. I stopped reading the scriptures. I felt that my life was becoming unbalanced and I felt guilt if I read anything other than the scriptures, so I stopped reading the scriptures. It doesn’t make since, but that is what I did. I stopped writing in my journal. I have no idea where my journal is, but I thought that I would start keeping an electronic journal now. I haven’t been to a temple session since I was in Utah and now my recommend is expired. It has been over a year since I have gone. That is the longest that I have let myself be away from the House of the Lord.

I wanted to stop believing because I felt that believing was making me unhappy. I felt that no matter how hard I worked in my callings and no matter how good I tried to be that I was still falling short of what I was suppose to do. I guess that all of my experiences with LDS men fell short of what my expectations were of having a loving and lasting relationship. I found that men who were not LDS treated me better. I didn’t understand why LDS men didn’t see my worth. I became frustrated with the lack of options. I felt misunderstood by my married friends. I found myself unhappy and decided to move away from what I perceived as the cause of my unhappiness. So here I am today, in a state of depression that I have never known and I am out of shape looking for a way to rekindle the flame I felt in my life, and the desire to live again.

Did I need to go through this trial? I don’t know, but I’m here and I want to feel good again. I want to feel a live again. I want to feel my heart again. I want to feel whole again.

Prayer: Beginning to pray again!"