"I feel like I can relate to the Wicked Witch of the West, from Wicked. Misunderstood, as a single woman in the LDS culture. It is a little like being green. I have felt people wonder what is wrong with me. What “evil” I might have done to end up single? I have often felt "wicked" because of my choices. I have chosen to do other things over being a wife and mother. This is because I feel like that there hasn't and may never be a man to come a long that I can give my heart to. Misunderstood by men as being independent, unapproachable, a bit cold and chilly. I have been told that I play impossible to get, instead of hard to get. Will I be misunderstood my whole life? I am excited about the dreams I have despite the fact that I lack a man in my life. I have dreams, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want a man in my life either.
I dream like most girls growing up and finding that one person who will be my friend, my equal, my comforter, and lover. I might never know him, so I live out my dreams in hope that he will step into my life someday. I wonder if I will ever step out of this green skin? If not, I will go on being misunderstood and green. In the eyes of others not quite a whole person, not quite knowledgeable of life, not quite schooled, someone without the education that comes from having a husband and family. Someone who just doesn’t get it. Someone who still isn’t respected as much as those who are married and have children."
I wrote this before I left Utah in 2008. I still often feel the same when I am around people from the LDS culture, but I was in a different place when I was leaving Utah than I am now. At that time I was very unhappy with my life and felt that I needed to get away from it all. I was unsure of the direction I wanted my life to go and I was so unsatisfied with the direction my life had been going. I have finally come full circle and I am happy with the direction of my life and what I am doing. I feel stronger and more independent. I am ready to let someone into my life, where in 2008, I only could shut people out. I am moving from my apartment right now and while I was packing I found this in my stuff and I thought I would share it. It might be crazy, but it was how I was feeling at the time.
