This is an expert from my new journal I'm beginning to keep. I am hoping to move forward this year and no longer slide down the slippery slope I have found myself on the last few years. I'm resolved to make the rest of 2009 and 2010 a time of progress and healing. I need to heal my heart. Please pray for me.
"October 2, 2009
Where I have been the last couple of years is a place that I thought I never would end up at. I have developed a hard heart, something I told myself I would never have. I witnessed a hard heart in my grandmother and made myself a promise years ago that I would not end up like her. I have not become my grandmother in many aspects, but I have nurtured a hard heart the last few years. I have been trying to figure out this last year while living with my sister Terri why or how I came to this place. Teaching the young women in the New City ward helped me find those answers and watching general conference this weekend confirmed what I had found out for myself.
I stopped praying morning and night before I left Utah in 2008. I no longer asked Heavenly Father for comfort or guidance. I felt that I didn’t needed or I guess more correctly I no longer wanted to include the Lord in my life. I stopped reading the scriptures. I felt that my life was becoming unbalanced and I felt guilt if I read anything other than the scriptures, so I stopped reading the scriptures. It doesn’t make since, but that is what I did. I stopped writing in my journal. I have no idea where my journal is, but I thought that I would start keeping an electronic journal now. I haven’t been to a temple session since I was in Utah and now my recommend is expired. It has been over a year since I have gone. That is the longest that I have let myself be away from the House of the Lord.
I wanted to stop believing because I felt that believing was making me unhappy. I felt that no matter how hard I worked in my callings and no matter how good I tried to be that I was still falling short of what I was suppose to do. I guess that all of my experiences with LDS men fell short of what my expectations were of having a loving and lasting relationship. I found that men who were not LDS treated me better. I didn’t understand why LDS men didn’t see my worth. I became frustrated with the lack of options. I felt misunderstood by my married friends. I found myself unhappy and decided to move away from what I perceived as the cause of my unhappiness. So here I am today, in a state of depression that I have never known and I am out of shape looking for a way to rekindle the flame I felt in my life, and the desire to live again.
Did I need to go through this trial? I don’t know, but I’m here and I want to feel good again. I want to feel a live again. I want to feel my heart again. I want to feel whole again.
Prayer: Beginning to pray again!"
Monday, October 5, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
Hunter College
I'm studying Special Education for Early Childhood. It has been two weeks of school, and I love my classes. Getting back into the mind set of studying has been difficult, but necessary. I really want to make this experience a good one and I want to take advantage of having some wonderful teachers.
The pictures I have taken of Lexington from the air bridges that are on the 3rd and 7th floor of the school between the East and West Buildings. It is a very urban school, no grass, just cement and glass. It is just two blocks from Central Park, so if I really want an out door experience I do have close access to one of the best parks in the world.
Just wanted to give you all a small peek where I will be spending the next two years.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Concord, Mass
I went with a friend to Cambridge this weekend and did a little site seeing. I just have to say that Boston is one of my favorite cities in the U.S. (Don't let my brother-in-law hear me say that.)
We took the "Lucky Bus" out of Chinatown to Boston. We originally thought it was going to be a three and a half hour ride, which turned into five hours. Ugh! So we arrived in Boston much later than we had planned. My friend Barb lived in Cambridge last year while she attended Harvard, so we were staying with Rebecca, her roommate from last year. On Monday, Barb and I rented a car and had the opportunity to go to Concord. It was a nice drive and we had an enjoyable day wandering the area. I took a walking tour of the town, and learned fun little facts like, the school where May Alcott taught the famous artist Daniel Chester French. (Abigail) May Alcott was the sister of Louisa May Alcott's who wrote "Little Women". Amy in "Little Women" is loosely based on "May" Abigail May Alcott. Concord was beautiful and it was so nice to see the area, where so much literature was created.
I also had the opportunity to see revolutionary war sites. This is the sculpture of the "Minutemen". This sculpture is done by Daniel Chester French who I mentioned above, he also did the "Lincoln Memorial" in D.C. He did this when he was about 19 years old. This is at the North Bridge where some of the first shots of the Revolutionary War were fired.
After the walking tour, Barb took me to one of the best ice cream shops I have ever been to. It is called Kimball Farm and it is in the middle of nowhere, but it is very busy. The small is two large scoops and it was something like $3.50. Isn't that small huge. I am embarrassed to say, but I finished most of my ice cream. I got black raspberry and lemon sorbet. This photo is of Barb's ice cream. She got chocolate heath bar and chocolate chip cookie dough rolled in jimmies.
When the ice cream was consumed and guilt began to set in, we decided to drive over to Walden Pond and take a walk. The pound is beautiful and it takes about 40 minutes to walk the perimeter of the pond. It was Labor Day so the pond was very busy with swimmers and strollers and even a couple of people trying to fish. It was a beautiful evening and it felt so peaceful despite having so many occupants. I really enjoyed the walk and even felt a little enlightened afterwards.
It was a nice quick to to the Boston area. I will have to go back again. Hopefully sooner than later.
We took the "Lucky Bus" out of Chinatown to Boston. We originally thought it was going to be a three and a half hour ride, which turned into five hours. Ugh! So we arrived in Boston much later than we had planned. My friend Barb lived in Cambridge last year while she attended Harvard, so we were staying with Rebecca, her roommate from last year. On Monday, Barb and I rented a car and had the opportunity to go to Concord. It was a nice drive and we had an enjoyable day wandering the area. I took a walking tour of the town, and learned fun little facts like, the school where May Alcott taught the famous artist Daniel Chester French. (Abigail) May Alcott was the sister of Louisa May Alcott's who wrote "Little Women". Amy in "Little Women" is loosely based on "May" Abigail May Alcott. Concord was beautiful and it was so nice to see the area, where so much literature was created.
I also had the opportunity to see revolutionary war sites. This is the sculpture of the "Minutemen". This sculpture is done by Daniel Chester French who I mentioned above, he also did the "Lincoln Memorial" in D.C. He did this when he was about 19 years old. This is at the North Bridge where some of the first shots of the Revolutionary War were fired.
After the walking tour, Barb took me to one of the best ice cream shops I have ever been to. It is called Kimball Farm and it is in the middle of nowhere, but it is very busy. The small is two large scoops and it was something like $3.50. Isn't that small huge. I am embarrassed to say, but I finished most of my ice cream. I got black raspberry and lemon sorbet. This photo is of Barb's ice cream. She got chocolate heath bar and chocolate chip cookie dough rolled in jimmies.
When the ice cream was consumed and guilt began to set in, we decided to drive over to Walden Pond and take a walk. The pound is beautiful and it takes about 40 minutes to walk the perimeter of the pond. It was Labor Day so the pond was very busy with swimmers and strollers and even a couple of people trying to fish. It was a beautiful evening and it felt so peaceful despite having so many occupants. I really enjoyed the walk and even felt a little enlightened afterwards.
It was a nice quick to to the Boston area. I will have to go back again. Hopefully sooner than later.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Under the Same Moon
Tonight I wanted a break from homework. Yes, it is my first week and I'm already looking for breaks from homework. Well I had this movie that I ordered from Blockbuster and it seemed like the perfect way to give my mind a break. Really, did I need a break after only one day of reading. Oh, back to the reason I'm writing this, and it is not to avoid studying, okay maybe a little. I digress.
Under the Same Moon "The debut feature from director Patricia Riggen, this drama centers on a young boy's journey across the U.S./Mexico border to be reunited with his mother. Adrian Alonso stars as Carlitos, a Mexican adolescent living with his grandmother while his mother works as a maid in the U.S., hoping someday to send for her child. But when the grandmother dies unexpectedly, Carlitos must sneak across the border and seek out his mother. Featuring a supporting performance by America Ferrera of ABC's Ugly Betty, Under the Same Moon premiered at the 2007 Sundance Film Festival, where it received a standing ovation. ~ Matthew Tobey, All Movie Guide"
Oh, this was a beautiful movie. If you want a drama that is well made this is the film for you. I fell in love with Carlitos. I love how this little boy changed people. I cheered for him the whole time. I really enjoyed this movie, and felt hope. If you want a break from the normal Hollywood releases, this is a nice drama without being to heavy. You do have to be willing to read subtitles, but don't let that stop you. It was fabulous!
Under the Same Moon "The debut feature from director Patricia Riggen, this drama centers on a young boy's journey across the U.S./Mexico border to be reunited with his mother. Adrian Alonso stars as Carlitos, a Mexican adolescent living with his grandmother while his mother works as a maid in the U.S., hoping someday to send for her child. But when the grandmother dies unexpectedly, Carlitos must sneak across the border and seek out his mother. Featuring a supporting performance by America Ferrera of ABC's Ugly Betty, Under the Same Moon premiered at the 2007 Sundance Film Festival, where it received a standing ovation. ~ Matthew Tobey, All Movie Guide"
Oh, this was a beautiful movie. If you want a drama that is well made this is the film for you. I fell in love with Carlitos. I love how this little boy changed people. I cheered for him the whole time. I really enjoyed this movie, and felt hope. If you want a break from the normal Hollywood releases, this is a nice drama without being to heavy. You do have to be willing to read subtitles, but don't let that stop you. It was fabulous!
Sunday, August 16, 2009
NYC half marathon
Well this morning I ran the NYC half marathon. Since May 3rd I had been planning on running the race. I had ample time to train, but I just couldn't get myself out to run like I had in the past. I ran maybe once or twice a month the last three months. Let me just say that is not a good training plan. The last time I ran was a 10K on July 26th.
Today I ran one of the hardest races, of my life. It was hot and humid which didn't help with me being so out of shape. Thank goodness there were no injuries, and I felt good for the most part accept my feet, and the blasted heat. My feet were not accustomed to the mileage, but I can say that I didn't get any blisters. Yeah! My endurance is what I really struggled with.
I'm beginning to think I'm a little masochistic in my running. I ran the 2004 Salt Lake Marathon without training. At least then I was still running six miles three times a week. Who signs up for races and then doesn't train? Me, I'm guilty.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Insomnia
I have never had a problem with sleeping. I'm one of those people, when my head hits the pillow I'm out. I wake up 6 to 8 hours later ready to go for the day. I usually will wake up before my alarm goes off. My former roommates can vouch that I'm typically a morning person.
Well for the last 3 nights I find myself waking at around 3:00 or 4:00am, but this morning it was at 1:00am. I'm not sure what to think about this new development. I'm a little stressed because I start a masters program at the end of the month. This might be the cause of my sleepless nights. I have found that I'm a little more iritable during the day. How do people do it all the time? I'm not too worried since it is only the third night, but if this translates into months of no sleep, then I think I will not be too happy with this new state. I guess I can be happy that I had 36 years of good sleep.
Well for the last 3 nights I find myself waking at around 3:00 or 4:00am, but this morning it was at 1:00am. I'm not sure what to think about this new development. I'm a little stressed because I start a masters program at the end of the month. This might be the cause of my sleepless nights. I have found that I'm a little more iritable during the day. How do people do it all the time? I'm not too worried since it is only the third night, but if this translates into months of no sleep, then I think I will not be too happy with this new state. I guess I can be happy that I had 36 years of good sleep.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Conversation with a 6 year old
So, I was out in my parents yard today, starting up the charcoal to BBQ some chicken. All of the sudden a little blonde hair girl walks out of my parents backyard and starts asking me questions without introducing herself. I ask her where she came from, and she said she was visiting her grandfather, and points to my parents backyard. I assumed she was visiting my parents neighbors behind their house. Then I see my dad's friend in the backyard cutting up the trees that fell in a storm two years ago. He has been coming to get wood to heat his home. I go to say hello to him and discover that the little blonde girl is with him. He tells me her name is Sage.
So, I go back to preparing the coals and she begins asking me all kinds of questions and the first question is do I believe in fairy's. I say, "I did at one time and I know people who still do." She tells me that she believes in fairies. The conversation continues, and she asks me how old I am. She thinks I am a teenager. I then proceed to tell her that I am probably older than her mother. She said she didn't think so. I ask how old is your mother, and she tells me that she is 30. I said well I'm 36 years old, so I'm older than your mother.
Some how in the conversation it came out that I don't have children and don't want them right now. She said, "Why don't you want children. You should try to have kids you might like trying, and if you keep trying you might get a kid." I'm thinking in my head, "that is percisely what I am worried about, that I will like the trying part, and then I will end up with a kid. It wouldn't be prudent for someone one in my situation." She kept saying, "I think you should try, I think you would like trying. Haven't you ever tried something that you didn't think you would like and you liked it, like grabbing a spiderweb." I started to laugh.
So, I go back to preparing the coals and she begins asking me all kinds of questions and the first question is do I believe in fairy's. I say, "I did at one time and I know people who still do." She tells me that she believes in fairies. The conversation continues, and she asks me how old I am. She thinks I am a teenager. I then proceed to tell her that I am probably older than her mother. She said she didn't think so. I ask how old is your mother, and she tells me that she is 30. I said well I'm 36 years old, so I'm older than your mother.
Some how in the conversation it came out that I don't have children and don't want them right now. She said, "Why don't you want children. You should try to have kids you might like trying, and if you keep trying you might get a kid." I'm thinking in my head, "that is percisely what I am worried about, that I will like the trying part, and then I will end up with a kid. It wouldn't be prudent for someone one in my situation." She kept saying, "I think you should try, I think you would like trying. Haven't you ever tried something that you didn't think you would like and you liked it, like grabbing a spiderweb." I started to laugh.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)